God, so like 3 weeks ago I was out with my friend and sitting in the metro station at the end of the night on a bench with her and this guy from the bar we had just left. This guy is from Wisconsin. Like, born there, went to the state school, lived all his life in Wisconsin and just moved to DC within the year, I think. So we’re sitting there, watching people board the train on the opposite side of the tracks and we see a guy who clearly was going through some things, alcohol wise. He can barely stand, pale as a ghost and immediately slumped over when he sat down. A girlfriend type is with him and she’s rubbing his back and looking pretty concerned. My friend, this guy and I are all watching this scene unfold, transfixed, waiting for him to puke. Then, just as the train pulls away, the guy we’re with gives the girl a smile and a thumbs up. She visibly bitchfaced at him as the train left.
I am practically screaming with laughter over this and was like, “HOLY SHIT, THAT WAS SO RUDE! GOOD ONE!” My friend and I are doing the old laugh and clap because this guy has been so Midwesterny all night and seemed friendly to a fault and then he just busts out this obnoxious thumbs up to this poor girl. He was BEWILDERED and was like, “What?? I was being nice! I gave her a thumbs up to show her she was doing a good thing taking care of him! We’ve all been there! I was encouraging her!” My friend and I are dying at this point. “NO, THAT WAS SUCH A DICK MOVE. THAT GIRL THOUGHT YOU WERE A TOTAL ASSHOLE. SHE KNOWS HER BOYFRIEND IS ABOUT TO BARF ALL OVER HER AND THE CHERRY ON HER SHIT SUNDAE IS THIS DICKHEAD ACROSS THE TRACKS WHO GIVES HER A THUMBS UP. SHE’S GOING TO REMEMBER THAT FOREVER! DON’T FEEL BAD, WE’RE PROUD OF YOU!” He looked so hurt by this and was like, “No, no, you guys are too cynical. I was looking out for her, she knows that.”
Like, sorry, how is there any comprehensive idea of an “American” with shit like this? HOW? These Midwesterners are what, 600 miles away from us, and totally lost on how to be rude to people? What is in the water out there? How are these people allowed to just move to the Northeast without some kind of Visa or seminar on how to be a pushy snob and walk quickly on sidewalks? You could get a gift bag with a black Tippi sweater. This just feels wrong to me. I cannot believe these people live among me. I feel like Will Smith in Men in Black when he learns aliens are just living their lives, almost undetected, amongst other humans. How are Midwesterners even able to move to other parts of the country? How are they not their own country? Should Canada absorb them? Would that be easier? Help me help them.
Sometimes I forget that “Jersey” isn’t a real generic trait that I will pass onto my children.
Well, if nothing else, thank god I wasn’t a teen mom. What if I had a fucking five year old right now or something? That would really put a damper on caring only about myself and insisting everyone else do the same.
My nails are fucking shot to hell right now. Peeling within millimeters of their LIFE. They’re a joke and I can’t take it. I have to find somewhere in DC that will put a nice looking full set on and I can already tell this is going to go horribly wrong. I’m reading Yelp reviews and why bother, I DON’T TRUST DC WOMEN TO KNOW GOOD NAILS. DO I REALLY WANT TO GET MY NAILS DONE IN GEORGETOWN? DO THEY OFFER ANY SERVICES BESIDES BORING FUCKING GEL MANICURES HERE? DO THEY EVEN ALLOW YOU TO WALK OUT OF ONE OF THESE PLACES WITH ANYTHING OTHER THAN AN OPI BUBBLE BATH GEL MANI? FUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Sorry, no, I haven’t gained weight, I’m just growing a playoff belly. It’s all in the name of postseason.
Someone make a blog that contains spoilers about young adult series I began at age 8 and never finished.