- Kiddo, running out of her school towards me: I had the best day of my life today!!
- Me: That's great!! What happened that made your day the best ever?
- Kiddo: I found someone's wallet on the playground and I took the money!
- Me: -_-
I had a disturbingly passionate sex dream about Adam Devine from Workaholics three nights ago and today he’s under my recommend people on Twitter. The NSA is tracking my thoughts.
My brain has been doing this thing lately where people I went to high school with are appearing in my dreams. Specifically, people I went to high school with who I have Facebook stalked that night. And, specifically, sex dreams. Only they’re weird sex dreams. Maybe I’m just not remembering the context but I think they’re all just whipping their dicks out at me. Like, Dan or Mike or whateverthefuck dude I didn’t even talk to once in high school are just showing me their dicks.
The thing is, you know how every person you see in a dream isn’t made up and is a person you’ve actually seen irl? Does this apply to dicks too? They all have the same dick. Whose dick is it? That’s the real question here.
Sorry, spring allergies, but I just don’t feel that you’re a good match for my personal brand. You’re fired. Security will escort you off the premises.
My focuses in life right now:
Sometimes I worry that I’m the real life version of the character Lana Del Rey is trying to portray.